Why do I like using a blog to post thoughts and feelings I should feel ashamed to put in any public format? Besides the usefulness of its organizational benefits, it just makes it feel like I'm talking to someone, even if it's just myself. I don't like to waste paper recording my thoughts which are mostly mundane and pointless.
It would have been nice to have some of the posts directly following my accident as means of comparison to now. Hell, it would have been nice to have those old posts to see exactly how far I've come and how I felt during certain times in my life. Instead, I let someone else's stupid perspective on the whole thing color my decisions and alter my perception. Absence is my punishment. Absence of records. Absence of recordings. Absence of past thoughts.
I've been working on my book project and last week left me feeling disheartened. Maybe this one will be better, I just need to power through it again. Start feeling good about it once more.
Really, that's how I should be feeling about life. Or, at least, I should be handling it that way. Trying to find the good in it again. You see, I've been depressed these past few weeks. Listless. Thinking about "pointlessness" and "giving up." Beating myself to death with a non-stick frying pan. How many licks does it take to reach the center of a tootsie pop? How many whacks does it take to make a TBI sufferer cease suffering?
Oh, I'm so melodramatic, Dan would say. Life isn't that bad and I'm blowing it all out of proportion. When I fuck up my streak on Duolingo, I just start again at Day 1. When I delete my blog, I just start a new one and title the first post accordingly. There's projects to be had, by God, there's work to be done. No one wants to be a sad, sorry sod and everyone wants to have someone.
I'm bitter and I'm angry and I'm just no good.
Quote of the Day:
"I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul."
-Invictus by William Ernest Henley
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